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In the Drawer

Mar. 14th, 2008

03:02 pm - In my bed

we could lay right here in these sheets till the worlds between us give us something valid to say to eachother, but sometimes there is just nothing left. i know i wasnt the only one done wrong in this situation. this situation that left little options open for you and me, and i’m sorry, but one day i’ll be fine and i’ll be free and when that day comes, he better not come looking for me because i will leave him here in this house that is falling apart just like we have been for quite sometime now. i will leave him in this world he tried to keep me in that holds no romance or any kind of spontenaity.
i’ll be fine...one day he will see..
i’m sorry, i tried, but now i have to save me
that was something i never should have pawned off on him in the first place, but, i’m just some crazy girl with too much time to waste...

Jan. 19th, 2008

02:42 pm - What Do You Have To Say? - Me Behind The Wheel

What do you do when you're in the car alone?
i dont care if its nasty, somebody has to be honest because you KNOW that you do it to.
i pick my nose.
yes, i sing and dance and do all that other good stuff, but my car is the one place i can pick my nose alone. in peace. 
plus, my windows are tinted so NO ONE SEES!
 

Current Mood: dorky

Jan. 17th, 2008

01:45 pm - mommyhood

 so guys, i am told that i am about to give birth to a baby girl. it's so funny because usually in life, well, with me anyway, the last thing you expect to happen will always, inevitably happen.
i've always been one of those girls that just never gave a second thought to having children. it's not because i dont like them or anything, its just because i'm too involved in myself and my music to give my undivided attention to another human being. sounds selfish i know, but i am trying to be honest with myself.
i'm here as a witness to tell people that it is COMPLETELY different when you hear that heartbeat for the first time. now i cant imagine my life without her. it's weird how one thing can change your life forever. and when i felt her move inside of me for the first time, i was hooked. i thought for sure it was going to be a boy because i'm a very strange person and i just figured a boy will understand me better...and i despise pink. so, of course they told me it's a girl, and in truth i was a little disappointed, but that all changed when i felt her move. it is unlike anything i have ever felt in all my 22 years on this earth. i was not ready to have children...ever, but i guess the higher powers have a different plan for me than i had for myself. and i'm ok with that:)
i'm naming her iris after my great aunt. she has the hiccups today so she's driving me CRAZY!!
everybody wish me luck...although at this point, i dont believe i will need it.  i already love her more than anything in the world.

Current Mood: contentcontent

01:30 pm - What Do You Have To Say? - My Sixth Grade Jam

What was your favorite song in sixth grade? What does it make you think of?
 6th grade?....6th grade....i was 12 so....
it was probably zero by the smashing pumpkins...or anything off of melancholy and the infinite sadness.
oh yeah, and tourniquet by manson. LOVE that song.

Jan. 9th, 2008

04:48 pm - So

 

She waits, she sits

she contemplates her existence

he's gone, he wont stay

he always has his own reasons

to keep running away

she crawls now, she goes

To a hidden place only she knows

and she hides, she'll cry

there's always something here to keep her cold inside

 

he's so beautiful

she'd sell her soul to feel him

he's so beautiful

but, he'll turn his face away

she's just something he cannot see

he's so beautiful

he's so mean to me

 

she's trapped, she feels stuck

one more thing she's screwed up

he talks, he lies

that always keeps her cold inside

she waits, yet she knows

here comes another reason

for him to go

and she hides her lost eyes

and cries because he never tried

 

Still, he's so beautiful

the parts of him that make sense

he's so beautiful

while he's showing her those lies

A fairytale the'll never be

he's so beautiful

he's so mean to me

 

she waits, always waits

for something she just fakes

it's gone, never there

she tries to make it hard to care

she's blank, dissarray

it's time for him to go away

his face, what's been said

is proof her hopes for them are dead

 

he's so beautiful

it's not fair to have such beauty

he's so beautiful

there are things he'll never say

and he'll just shrug so carefree

he's so beautiful

he's so fucking mean to me

Current Mood: robbed

Jan. 5th, 2008

07:47 pm - Sunflower

feels like i wanna die today

cant eat cant sleep cant even find a way

i'm on my knees making pleas ive never made

i'm in the front row watching beauty fade

all my friends wanna take me out

and when they ask i'll only think of you

 

he loves me, he loves me not

he loves me, he love me not

he loves me, he loves me not

what a way to play with a sunflower's life

broken promises with broken hearts

i cant figure out just what was so good

 

i cant let myself forget your touch

cant give, cant live cant let you see that much

i'm around not to loud i'll take my stand

i'd kill myself just to prove a point

all my friends say that the pain will leave

you always did give me a chance to breathe

 

he loves me, he loves me not

he loves me, he loves me not

he loves me, he loves me not

what a way to play with a sunflower's life

broken promises, you broke my heart and i cant figure out just what was so good

 

feels like i wanna die today

cant eat cant sleep since you went away

kissed the ground falling down and now i'm stuck

writhing here in your memory in a most pitiful way

all my friends say you were a waste of my time

they give me that look when i slip and speak your name

 

he loves me, he loves me not

he loves me, he loves me not

he loves me, he loves me not

what a way to play with a sunflower's life

broken promises we're both left broken

i cant figure out just what was ever good

broken promises, my broken heart and things never turn out like they should

 

Current Mood: wistful

07:43 pm - The Bad Side

 

now it comes down to what was never said

or even what was said that was wrong

and all the bad things that were done

and all the lies that were told

and all the stories over told and old

and all the times tried in vain

and nothing now is the same

because of one day

 

so i say goodbye

with my head held high

because i was mostly good to you

and there are worse things

that worse people

have done or tried to do

but i am never lost to you

only know, it's in my shame i hide

because all it takes is that one bad day

to make the good parts go away

and leave you with the bad side

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

06:51 pm - Apathy

 

bring me apathy, sweet apathy

because it's never enough to just want or need

it's never enough to sulk and lie

it's never enough to just let go and cry

but enough is enough

now i'll let this go

i'm sorry i was someone

even i didn't know

and enough is enough

now i have a reason to live

so bring me apathy, sweet apathy

or teach me how to forgive

Current Mood: apatheticapathetic

01:20 am - Life is Like a Bowl of Cherries

 

I could scream for hours

Thrive helpless in your dirt

I know getting myself dirty

Is always going to hurt

I thought we'd never be this

But, you're right you always are

And now we'll always be this

just another scar

 

Is it just me

Or is it getting cold in here?

Will nothing make this right

Is it just me

Or does it always play out to be

This want for something I'm not?

Expecting things not to rot

 

So, you know all about me

I over analyze me

 make it all feel synthetic

So I won't question where I stand

Straining to see beauty

A bondage life demands

Even alone in my room I feel it

This tear in my hand

 

Is it just me

Or is it kind of crowded in here?

It went from cold to hot

Is it just me

that's feeling someone stab at me

Betrayals and sincerity caught

What tastes good will always rot

 

If there was something beautiful in front of me

I would wonder if it was true

Have I lost all my faith

Or what I found in you?

Faces in this crowd

My reasons for searching here are unclear

And with every strangers face I see

I realize more and more

That I'll never find you here

 

Is it just me

Or is it getting old in here

Maybe I should leave

Is it just me

That always burns subconciously

For a trade in for someone I'm not

A life just set out to rot

But, I'll be happy...

Look at me

Smiling with sincerity

Hide all the things that I'm not

And pray I wasn't put on this earth

As a body meant just to rot

Current Mood: apatheticapathetic

01:02 am - Drive-by

 

I look at the sky

I'm looking for god

but it's always cloudy and i know he's a lie

and i guess that's allright

you look at me weird

I said,"what do you want to do about this weather?"

 

and he smiled..

he didnt answer me

whatever happened to purity?

whatever happened to beauty?

he turned away from me

and still I can't decide

whether you tried

or if you just lied

and I just saw you drive by

 

I need somewhere to go

but,I walk in the rain

I go where I want to go

I'm going insane

and I guess that's allright

you come as please

I said,"i was always everyone else's problem but yours"

 

Still we grow so fast

young and cold inside

aching for things that never last

and you promised me

such things you'd say

you'll never change you'll never stay

and i just missed yesterday

 

I look at the stars

and still wish for you

and i waste my breath cause wishes never come true

But,i guess that's allright

I can't tell what's real

You still say,"nothing I did to you was easy for me to do"

 

With a look down

and tears fell for the wasted years

and i can't breathe in this town

You left so fast

time stopped inside

my worthless dreams still bleed and hide

and I just saw them drive-by

Current Mood: anxiousanxious